We asked Josh Gondelman to pick five of his favorite tweets. Here’s his list, in no particular order.
@emmyblotnick: How do I tell Pizza Hut I only wanna be Meat Friends?
@TheJasonMarcus: When I miss her, I can hear the wind whisper her name, “Pfff” That isn’t her name but you gotta…
Mitt Romney StyleIf this video manages to sway one voter, I feel like I’ve done my job as an American. Directed by me, written by Adam Conover and Emily Axford, produced and coordinated by our incredible team in LA- Jon Wolf and Sam Kirkpatrick, edited by Nick Barbieri, starring the man of legends, Matt Walton.
Vince and the entire CollegeHumor production team did an unbelievable job turning this video around in an incredibly short period of time and somehow making it look so easy. A ton of credit also goes to Wellington Lora at Cueniverse for making it sound like I could actually hit that high note, and to the hilarious and incomparable Lisa Hanawalt for suggesting the original germ of the idea while we were in line at customs at the Houston Airport. This stupid video is the crowning achievement of my lifetime.
This is the most delightful.
This is me watching Mobama’s speech.
(Source: twitergrammer)
(Source: womeneatingcake)
Good afternoon.
This is the 37th time I have spoken to you in this break room, where so many important decisions have shaped the history of our Victoria’s Secret. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected our shared interests, like when those cows from Auntie Annie’s were stealing all our Free Panty coupons.
In all the decisions I have made in my life as assistant shift manager, I have always tried to do what was best for the entire store, from Dream Angels to Sexy Little Things to Men’s Fragrance. Throughout the long and difficult period of Eyelinergate, I have felt an obligation to persevere; to prove to you that the stolen Sexy Smoky PencilStick in question was actually taped to my ankle by Crystal, who is a straight sneaky bitch and everyone knows it. But I digress.
In the past few days, it has become evident that I no longer have a strong enough base in the afternoon shift to justify continuing that effort. In other words, you’re all backstabbers and only liked me because I let you smoke blunts in my Mazda on your breaks.
With the disappearance of my BFF-base, I now believe that I should give up on Gisele Bundchen ever seeing my many Facebook posts and coming here to help me prove that I didn’t steal shit. It’s probably for the best; I met her once when I was working at the Mall of America location, and she is so down to earth, and you guys would probably would have made her uncomfortable and ask for autographs, so she’d look over to me and be all “What?” and I’d be all “I know” and we’d roll our eyes and go to Panera and talk shit about you.
But the interest of Victoria must always come first.
Therefore, I shall resign as weekday afternoon co-assistant shift manager effective at noon tomorrow. At that time, Crystal will assume the position. You’re pretty used to assuming the position in break rooms, aren’t you Crystal?
I apologize for that comment, because I am a fucking lady.
Moving forward, it is important that you two-faced heifers file in line behind Flappy Mouth in order to help her succeed for the benefit of all Victoria’s Secret employees. I leave my post not with regret, but with pride at five and a half months of serving the best panty emporium in Tuttle Hill Crossing. Let us never lose sight that although Crystal is too much of a goody-two-shoes to even have a real conversation with, she’s pretty good at math and is baller at getting those gypsy toddlers to stop messing up the Cotton Panties. So listen to what she says, if not for her merits then because if you even key her car ONCE she will have it out for you forever and WILL frame you for theft that you did NOT commit AT ALL.
Do not worry about my future, for I believe this is fate at work. Some places dance into your life and quickly go, some leave footprints forever, some leave nasty footprints in the locker room, and my cousin can probably get me all afternoon shifts at Express.
To all my supporters, mostly the two part-timers in Inventory who minded their fucking business, I thank you graciously for sharing with me your People magazines and your loving trust. I will definitely find you on MySpace.
As for the rest of you, I encourage you to eat a bowl of dicks.
I apologize for that comment; no dick would enjoy that.
Much has been achieved during my tenure as afternoon co-assitant shift manager.
As a team, we pushed Angels Card signups harder than any other store in the region. The taste of victory Sbarro’s is still in my mouth.
We achieved July’s quotas for Oomph Bra Puppies by halfway through the month. Badass job, ladies. You made me proud to wear the pink measuring tape.
There was the slow Tuesday when we found a $20 bill in the Angels Doublesoft Cheeky drawer. I believe we did the right thing by purchasing four Baja Tacos and a Crave Case.
There was also that fateful Semi-Annual Sale where a homeless guy kept feeling up the mannequins, and Ed from Security had to arrest him while he still had a boner, and the guy was all “Don’t touch m’dick, man, I ain’t like you!” It is a memory I’ll treasure long after I’ve left my post
And in regards to the Auntie Annie incident, need I remind you it was my idea to put Visine in their cheese silo? I think we can all agree that that day was one of glory for the entire afternoon shift. Plus, they still think Pac Sun did it. LOL.
While I must go since no one can believe that Crystal drugged me, taped a Sexy Smoky PencilStick to my ankle, drove me home in my own car, and then revived me without my knowing, I will not forget what this purely-symbolic position of power has meant to me. To have served in this store is to feel close to minimum wage retail workers everywhere. In leaving it, I do so with this solemn prayer:
Godspeed, bitches.
Amen.
Here’s a game of Guess Who that would take forever to finish. “Is your person a man?” “Yeah. Is your person an old man?” “Yep. Is your person an old man trying to control young fertile people’s access to birth control?” “Yep. Is your guy black?” “Nope.” “Oh cool.” ::click:: “Is your guy full of hatred?” “Yeah.” “Sigh::”
You have a message from @broken_looking88!
Wednesday January 4th 2012 8:13am
is it cuz i live w/ my aunt
You have a message from @broken_looking88!
Wednesday January 4th 2012 3:15pm
i show up at wrk and they say “we allready fired you, get outta here” and im like “fukk you jauncarlos, u just a bitch.”
i fukkin am so glad im doing cmoedy now.
also dont b mad, u aint even that fat tho
Wednesday January 4th 2012 6:21am
WHAT U THINK YOU SOME KINDA MODLE?
FUCK U FATTASS
LOL
hey wuts an open mike, u shud take me 2 sum of them, id do comedy but my cousines tell me i shud do giutar instead
ps i want like SIX FUKKIN KIDS
Wednesday January 4th 2012 at 4:35am
hey lol u look like a striperr. just jokin, i c u do a lot of shit w/ comedy so i figger u can take a joke.
R U SINGEL OR R U FUKKIN W ME?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? SHUT THE FUKK UP u look like that bitch from MY GIRL that movie with the DEAD KID AND ALL THOSE FUKKIN BEES
hey lol, how manny titties u got. can i hav 1?
hit me up, i dont hav a jobb, but u say u do, so idk u could probly get us sum beers.
RU SOME KINDA SHITBITCH LIKE MY EX GF?!?!??!?!?!? cuz if u r DONT EVEN RISPOND.
i live in hoboken with my aunt
