Love, Aunt K.

Whassamattah Chrissy, you look sick! Put some makeup on, you’ll FEEL bettah.

You never let your older cousins teach you how to put yourself together, and now (and you’re a pretty girl, it’s really too bad) and I hate to say it, but sometimes you look a little blah. And your eyebrows are just a little… ghetto? Can I say ghetto or is that ALSO a racist term? Like you know EVERYTHING about racism, Chrissy. Here, I have some Arbonne samples in my coat pocket, just put a little on. You’re not allergic to latex, fragrance, or shellfish, right? Good. Go ahead and put on some of that blush. Very nice. MUCH better.

So how’s Darren? Did he get a job yet? Oh, that’s too bad. That’s really too bad. When did that happen? Well you know, it’s not too late, you can always get him back if you can’t find someone by Valentine’s. With men, you can always win them back. Here, reach into the outside pocket of my purse, there’s some DHC samples. For Christ sake, Chrissy, just take them! You look like you just gave birth! No, not tired, just… bloated? Can I say “bloated” or are you gonna leave the room like last time? It’s just an adjective, Chrissy, don’t let it ruin your day! Always so sensitive, like your father. So should I unfriend him on Facebook or are you gonna give it another shot? I think you should give it another shot, and soon. He’s already got pictures with some redhead.

Did you see Colleen’s new coat? Full length mink. Go try it on, it’s hanging in the sun room! Go on, she won’t mind! Plus, it’ll do you good to know what it feels like to actually wear some decent clothes once in a while. Unless you’re still “vegan.” You’re not still “vegan,” are you? Oh for Christ sake, Chrissy! Still? We thought you outgrew that after you graduated high school! Don’t feel bad for those minks; they DESERVED to die. Miserable rats. Rooting through people’s gardens or whatever they do. Eat a little meat, Chrissy, there’s some roast beef in the kitchen still. Go on, just a little! It’ll put some color in your cheeks, you’ll FEEL better. Your poor grandmother would drop dead if she knew you were a “vegan.” The last thing she needs is some Hindu granddaughter. 

And oh! Did you try the flan?