How To Explain To The People At The Laundromat Why You Have 15 Cubic Feet Of Laundry

10) Mamma mia, dees America ees so beautiful! We go through deh Statue of Liberta dees morning! My-eh familia have-eh much blessings! Pizza!

9) Man, this entire convent of sick nuns I’m volunteering for sure loves shopping at H&M! Just like me! Man, we just get along great, me and this entire convent of sick nuns I’m taking care of for free.

8) My stupid roommate accidentally put a curse on our apartment! Which cycle is best for “Creole ghost?”

7) I used to be so… good… you know? Just… good at… things. (silent weeping)

6) These clothes are all clean actually, I just love the upper-body workout you get from doing 35 pounds of laundry! Here, touch my tricep. No, the other one. Yeah. Feel that? Allll laundry.

5) …So much blood….

4) FORK FORK FORK FORK FORK FORK FORK (this one is where you pretend you’re doing a site-specific theater piece; best for douchey neighborhoods)

3) Women, right?

2) My hoarder parents just died, so this is then the appropriate amount of laundry left behind by two dead people who are also hoarders.

1) I just robbed 14 apartments. Do you do drop-off?