This is the 37th time I have spoken to you in this break room, where so many important decisions have shaped the history of our Victoria’s Secret. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected our shared interests, like when those cows from Auntie Annie’s were stealing all our Free Panty coupons.
In all the decisions I have made in my life as assistant shift manager, I have always tried to do what was best for the entire store, from Dream Angels to Sexy Little Things to Men’s Fragrance. Throughout the long and difficult period of Eyelinergate, I have felt an obligation to persevere; to prove to you that the stolen Sexy Smoky PencilStick in question was actually taped to my ankle by Crystal, who is a straight sneaky bitch and everyone knows it. But I digress.
In the past few days, it has become evident that I no longer have a strong enough base in the afternoon shift to justify continuing that effort. In other words, you’re all backstabbers and only liked me because I let you smoke blunts in my Mazda on your breaks.
With the disappearance of my BFF-base, I now believe that I should give up on Gisele Bundchen ever seeing my many Facebook posts and coming here to help me prove that I didn’t steal shit. It’s probably for the best; I met her once when I was working at the Mall of America location, and she is so down to earth, and you guys would probably would have made her uncomfortable and ask for autographs, so she’d look over to me and be all “What?” and I’d be all “I know” and we’d roll our eyes and go to Panera and talk shit about you.
But the interest of Victoria must always come first.
Therefore, I shall resign as weekday afternoon co-assistant shift manager effective at noon tomorrow. At that time, Crystal will assume the position. You’re pretty used to assuming the position in break rooms, aren’t you Crystal?
I apologize for that comment, because I am a fucking lady.
Moving forward, it is important that you two-faced heifers file in line behind Flappy Mouth in order to help her succeed for the benefit of all Victoria’s Secret employees. I leave my post not with regret, but with pride at five and a half months of serving the best panty emporium in Tuttle Hill Crossing. Let us never lose sight that although Crystal is too much of a goody-two-shoes to even have a real conversation with, she’s pretty good at math and is baller at getting those gypsy toddlers to stop messing up the Cotton Panties. So listen to what she says, if not for her merits then because if you even key her car ONCE she will have it out for you forever and WILL frame you for theft that you did NOT commit AT ALL.
Do not worry about my future, for I believe this is fate at work. Some places dance into your life and quickly go, some leave footprints forever, some leave nasty footprints in the locker room, and my cousin can probably get me all afternoon shifts at Express.
To all my supporters, mostly the two part-timers in Inventory who minded their fucking business, I thank you graciously for sharing with me your People magazines and your loving trust. I will definitely find you on MySpace.
As for the rest of you, I encourage you to eat a bowl of dicks.
I apologize for that comment; no dick would enjoy that.
Much has been achieved during my tenure as afternoon co-assitant shift manager.
As a team, we pushed Angels Card signups harder than any other store in the region. The taste of victory Sbarro’s is still in my mouth.
We achieved July’s quotas for Oomph Bra Puppies by halfway through the month. Badass job, ladies. You made me proud to wear the pink measuring tape.
There was the slow Tuesday when we found a $20 bill in the Angels Doublesoft Cheeky drawer. I believe we did the right thing by purchasing four Baja Tacos and a Crave Case.
There was also that fateful Semi-Annual Sale where a homeless guy kept feeling up the mannequins, and Ed from Security had to arrest him while he still had a boner, and the guy was all “Don’t touch m’dick, man, I ain’t like you!” It is a memory I’ll treasure long after I’ve left my post
And in regards to the Auntie Annie incident, need I remind you it was my idea to put Visine in their cheese silo? I think we can all agree that that day was one of glory for the entire afternoon shift. Plus, they still think Pac Sun did it. LOL.
While I must go since no one can believe that Crystal drugged me, taped a Sexy Smoky PencilStick to my ankle, drove me home in my own car, and then revived me without my knowing, I will not forget what this purely-symbolic position of power has meant to me. To have served in this store is to feel close to minimum wage retail workers everywhere. In leaving it, I do so with this solemn prayer: